I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
