Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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