So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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