oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
