A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
