Your face is a jimmy john
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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