Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
