no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
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Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I AM VODKA MAN
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
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It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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