I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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