Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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