Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
