I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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