party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
