Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
