Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
