omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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