we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
