How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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