Did you just see the Batmobile???
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
