Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
