Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
