so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Randomize
