Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
