if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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