Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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