It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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