They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
