I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
