so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
