Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
