Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I need a burrito and a hug.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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