Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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