She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
