He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
