More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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