I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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