I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The beers last night were like the tears from god
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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