if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
