Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Sacagawea was the original milf.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
