Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
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dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
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Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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