Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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