Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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