How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
