So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
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there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
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Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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