I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
