Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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