There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
