Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
