I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
