I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
