i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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