im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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