My liver just broke up with me...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Enjoy the penises
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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