I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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