shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
